so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
