Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
