You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
