I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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