I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
