so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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