I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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