worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
