cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
