Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
