okay pat passed out under dana's car
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
