dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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