Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
