If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I've blown a few things in my day
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
