When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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