You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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