I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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