After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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