Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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