I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
