Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
