Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
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you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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