while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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