she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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