i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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