My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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