I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
