Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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