It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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