in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
