we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
