New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize