just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
