Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
