I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
