Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
