I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Congratulations! We have a period
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
