i'm signing you up for texting rehab
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
