Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
