I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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