I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
