just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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