In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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