I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
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After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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