You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
