can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
