You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
