This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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