I'm eating all of the evidence.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
