My Higher Power is John Stamos
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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