i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She bit a glass in half.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
