I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
