Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
