Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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