I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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