my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
