oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
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you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
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Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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