Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
